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I'm dreaming

 

Of a white

 

Christmas

 

Just like the ones
I used to know

 

Where those treetops glisten

 

And children listen

 

To hear sleigh bells
In the snow

 

The snow

 

Are those microwave dinners good?

 

- I don't know.
- I'll give them a whirl.

 

For the kids.

 

Hold on, I got a coupon for that.

 

It was in the paper this morning.

 

$19.83.

 

Okay.

 

Are you here all by yourself?

 

Ma'am, I'm 8 years old.

 

You think I'd be here alone?
I don't think so.

 

Where's your mom?

 

- In the car.
- Where's your dad?

 

- He's at work.
- What about brothers and sisters?

 

I'm an only child.

 

- Where do you live?
- I can't tell you.

 

- Why not?
- Cause you're a stranger.

 

Hello, Kevin!

 

Shut up!

 

I don't get it.

 

It looks like there's nobody's home.

 

Last night the place is jumping.

 

Something ain't right.

 

Go check it out.

 

Now?

 

No, tomorrow, egghead!
Now! Go ahead.

 

"Now."

 

Shit!

 

Get the hell out of here.

 

All right, Johnny.
But what about my money?

 

What money?

 

A. C. said you had
some dough for me.

 

Is that a fact?
How much do I owe you?

 

A. C. said ten percent.

 

Too bad A. C.
ain't in charge no more.

 

What do you mean?

 

He's upstairs, taking a bath.

 

He'll call you when he gets out.

 

Hey, I tell you what I'm
gonna give you, Snakes.

 

- Snakes?
- I'll give you to the count of ten...

 

... to get your ugly,
yellow, no-good...

 

...keister off my property...

 

...before I pump you full of lead.

 

All right, Johnny. I'm sorry.
I'm going.

 

One, two... ten.

 

Keep the change, you filthy animal.

 

What happened?

 

I don't know who, but somebody
just got blown away.

 

Somebody beat us,
they' re in there.

 

Two of them.

 

There was arguing.
One blew the other one away.

 

- Who?
- I don't know.

 

I recognized one of their voices.
I heard that name "Snakes" before.

 

Snakes? Snakes. Snakes.
I don't know no Snakes.

 

Snakes. Let's get out of here.

 

Hold it. Hold it.

 

Let's wait and see who it is.
We work this neighborhood too.

 

Suppose the cops finger us
for a job...

 

...and they ask us about
a murder in the area.

 

Wouldn't it be nice to have
a face to go with it?

 

That's a good idea.

 

Of course it's a good idea.
Snakes?

 

He sounded like a snake.

 

Everything's full.

 

Everything's full?

 

I'm very sorry, but
it is Christmas Eve.

 

What about another airline?

 

Nothing available.
May I help you get a hotel room?

 

Tomorrow we can get you a flight.

 

I can't wait that long.

 

I'm sorry, ma'am, but we're
doing absolutely everything we can.

 

I'm in your way. I'm sorry.
You've places to go.

 

Got a ticket there, good. Excuse me.

 

Look, I have been awake
for almost 60 hours.

 

I'm tired and I'm dirty.

 

I have been from Chicago to Paris,
to Dallas, to-- Where am l?

 

Scranton.

 

I'm trying to get home
to my 8-year-old son.

 

Now you' re telling me it's hopeless?

 

- I'm sorry.
- No. No way.

 

This is Christmas!

 

The season of perpetual hope.

 

If I have to get on
your runway and hitchhike...

 

...if it costs me everything I own...

 

...if I have to sell my soul
to the Devil himself...

 

... I am going to get home to my son.

 

Ma'am, if there was anything--

 

Do it. Do anything.

 

- I can get you a hotel room.
- What?

 

Can you excuse us for a sec?
Can I see you for a second, please?

 

Excuse us.

 

You got a little bit of a dilemma.

 

We got a crisis ourselves.

 

Allow me to introduce myself.
Gus Polinski.

 

Polka King of the Midwest?

 

The Kenosha Kickers?

 

- Hi there.
- Hi ya.

 

That's okay. I thought you might
have recognized--

 

I had a few hits a few years ago.
That's why I just--

 

" Polka, Polka, Polka"?
Polka, polka, polka

 

"Twin Lakes Polka"?

 

"Yamahoozie Polka, " a.k.a.
"Kiss Me Polka"? "Polka Twist"?

 

These are songs?

 

Yeah. Yeah, we--
Some fairly big hits for us.

 

You know, in the early '70s.

 

Yeah, we sold about 623
copies of that.

 

- In Chicago?
- No, Sheboygan.

 

Very big in Sheboygan.

 

Did you say you could help?

 

Anyway, I'm rambling on here.
Our flight was canceled...

 

...so we' re gonna drive. See the guy
in the yellow jacket over there?

 

He's gonna rent us a nice big van
to drive to Milwaukee.

 

Now, I heard you had some problems
getting to Chicago?

 

To see your kid or something?

 

Uh, my son. He--
We left, and he's there.

 

If you have to get to Chicago,
we'll gladly drive you.

 

It's on the way to Milwaukee.

 

- You'd give me a ride?
- Sure, why not?

 

You've got to get home.

 

- A ride to Chicago?
- Sure, it's Christmastime.

 

Thank you. Oh, thank you.

 

You don't mind going with polka bums?

 

No, I'd love to.

 

Hey, Marv. Marv, Marv!

 

Look at this.

 

I think we're getting scammed
by a kindergartner.

 

Dad, can you come here
and help me?

 

Remember that kid
we saw the other day?

 

He lives here.

 

If the kid's here,
the parent's got to be.

 

He's home alone.

 

What? You want to come
back tonight?

 

Even with the kid here?

 

I don't think that's a good idea.

 

That house is the reason
we worked this block.

 

Ever since I saw that house,
I wanted it.

 

Let's take it one step at a time.

 

We'll unload the van, get a bite
to eat, we'll come back about 9:00.

 

Nine o'clock.

 

This way it's dark then.

 

Yeah, kids are scared of the dark.

 

You're afraid of the dark too.
You know you are.

 

No, I'm not.

 

- Yes, you are.
- Not, not, not.

 

You are so.

 

Mom, where are you?

 

Do you play?

 

Do you want to try? Go ahead,
try it. Try it!

 

- Excuse me.
- Yeah?

 

Hey, nice shoes.

 

Oh, thanks.

 

Is he still here? It's really
important that I see him.

 

He's getting in his car.
If you hurry, you can catch him.

 

How low! Giving Kriss Kringle
a parking ticket on Christmas Eve!

 

What's next, rabies shots
for the Easter Bunny?

 

Santa, hold on.

 

- Can I talk to you for a minute?
- Quickly.

 

Santa's running late.

 

I know you' re not
the real Santa Claus.

 

Huh, what makes you say that?
Just out of curiosity.

 

- I'm old enough to know how it works.
- All right.

 

But I also know you work for him.

 

- I'd like you to give him a message.
- Shoot.

 

Kevin McCallister, 671 Lincoln Blvd.
Do you need the phone number?

 

No, that's all right.

 

This is extremely important.

 

Please tell him instead of presents,
I just want my family back.

 

No toys. Nothing but Peter, Kate,
Buzz, Megan, Linnie and Jeff.

 

And my aunt and my cousins.

 

And if he has time,
my Uncle Frank. Okay?

 

Okay.

 

- I'll see what I can do.
- Thanks.

 

Wait. My elf took the last of the
candy canes home to her boyfriend.

 

- That's okay.
- No, don't be silly.

 

Everybody who sees Santa
has got to get something.

 

Here, hold out your little paw there.
There you go.

 

- Don't spoil your dinner.
- I won't.

 

Thanks.

 

Son of a--!

 

Merry Christmas.

 

May I sit down?

 

That's my granddaughter.

 

The little red-haired girl.

 

She's about your age.
You know her?

 

No.

 

You live next to me, don't you?

 

You can say hello when you see me.
You don't have to be afraid.

 

There's a lot of things going around
about me, but none of it's true. Okay?

 

- You've been good this year?
- I think so.

 

You swear to it?

 

No.

 

Yeah. Well, this is the place to be
if you're feeling bad about yourself.

 

- It is?
- I think so.

 

- Are you feeling bad about yourself?
- No.

 

I've been kind of a pain lately.

 

I said some things I shouldn't have.

 

I really haven't been
too good this year.

 

Yeah.

 

I'm kind of upset
because I really like my family.

 

Even though sometimes I say I don't.
Sometimes I even think I don't.

 

- Do you get that?
- I think so.

 

How you feel about family
is a complicated thing.

 

Especially with an older brother.

 

Deep down, you'll always love him.

 

But you can forget that you love him.
You can hurt them, they can hurt you.

 

That's not just because you're young.

 

You want to know the real
reason why I'm here?

 

Sure.

 

I came to hear my granddaughter sing.

 

I can't come hear her tonight.

 

You have plans?

 

No.

 

I'm not welcome.

 

At church?

 

You' re always welcome at church.

 

I'm not welcome with my son.

 

Years back, before you and your family
moved on the block...

 

... I had an argument with my son.

 

How old is he?

 

He's grown up.

 

We lost our tempers, and I said
I didn't care to see him anymore.

 

He said the same, and we haven't
spoken to each other since.

 

If you miss him,
why don't you call him?

 

I'm afraid if I call,
he won't talk to me.

 

How do you know?

 

I don't know.

 

I'm just afraid.

 

No offense, but aren't you
a little old to be afraid?

 

You can be old for a lot of things.

 

- You're never too old to be afraid.
- That's true.

 

I was afraid of our basement.

 

It's dark. There's weird stuff
down there, and it smells funny.

 

That sort of thing.
It's bothered me for years.

 

Basements are like that.

 

I made myself go down
to do some laundry...

 

...and I found out it's not so bad.

 

I worried about it, but if you
turn on the lights, it's no big deal.

 

What's your point?

 

My point is,
you should call your son.

 

- What if he won't talk to me?
- At least you'll know.

 

Then you could stop worrying about it.
You won't have to be afraid anymore.

 

No matter how mad I was, I'd talk to
Dad. Especially around the holidays.

 

I don't know.

 

Just give it a shot.

 

For your granddaughter anyway.

 

I'm sure she misses you.
And the presents.

 

I send her a check.

 

I wish my grandparents did that.

 

They always send me clothes.

 

Last year I got a sweater
with a bird knitted on it.

 

Oh, that's nice.

 

Not for a guy in the second grade.

 

You can get beat up for wearing
something like that.

 

I have a friend who got nailed...

 

... because there was a rumor
he wore dinosaur pajamas.

 

You better run home where you belong.

 

Think about what I said.

 

- All right?
- Okay.

 

It's nice talking to you.

 

Nice talking to you.

 

- What about you?
- Me?

 

Yeah. You and your son.

 

We'll see what happens.

 

Merry Christmas.

 

Merry Christmas.

 

This is my house.
I have to defend it.

 

We'll check it out.
We can come back for the truck.

 

How do you want to go in?

 

We'll go to the back door.
Maybe he'll let us in.

 

Yeah, he's a kid. Kids are stupid.

 

Bless this nutritious, microwaveable
macaroni and cheese dinner...

 

...and the people who sold
it on sale.

 

This is it. Don't get scared now.

 

Merry Christmas, little fella.

 

We know that you're in there,
and that you're all alone.

 

Yeah, come on, kid. Open up.

 

It's Santy Claus and his elf.

 

We' re not gonna hurt you.

 

No, no. Got some nice
presents for you.

 

Be a good little fella now
and open the door.

 

What?

 

What? What?

 

What?

 

- What happened?
- Get that little--

 

Hello.

 

Yes! Yes!

 

The little jerk is armed!

 

That's it! I'm going in the front.
You go down the basement!

 

Oh, boy. That's it, you little--
You little--

 

No, not this time, you little brat.

 

You little creep, where are you?

 

Yes!

 

--rip his head off--!

 

You' re dead, kid.

 

Where are you, you little creep?!

 

Harry, I'm coming in!

 

Oh, no! I'm really scared.

 

It's too late for you, kid, we're
in the house. We're gonna get you.

 

Okay, come and get me!

 

Why, you--!

 

Now you' re dead!

 

I'm gonna kill that kid!

 

Why'd you take your shoes off?

 

Why are you dressed like a chicken?

 

I'm up here, you morons.

 

Come and get me.

 

You guys give up, or are you
thirsty for more?

 

Heads up!

 

Don't worry, Marv.
I'll get him for you.

 

Yes!

 

He's only a kid, Harry.
We can take him.

 

Ah, shut up, will you?
What is it?

 

You're missing some teeth.

 

Where? It's my gold tooth.

 

My gold tooth. I'll kill him.
I'll kill him!

 

You bomb me with
one more can, kid...

 

...and I'll snap off your cojones
and boil them in motor oil!

 

911 emergency.

 

Hello, my house is being robbed.

 

My address is 656 Lincoln Boulevard.
My name is Murphy.

 

You never know what's up there.

 

There he is!

 

I got you! I got him, Harry.

 

I got him.

 

Harry, give me a hand!

 

I got him!

 

Harry, help me. Get up!

 

I got him.

 

What are you doing?

 

Harry, don't move.

 

Don't move.

 

Marv, what are you doing?

 

Did I get him?

 

Did I get him?!

 

Where is it? Where is it?

 

Never mind that. Here!
How do you like it, huh? You jerk!

 

Get that kid, before I--
Get that kid!

 

Where'd he go?

 

Maybe he committed suicide.

 

Down here, you big horse's ass!
Come get me before I call the police.

 

- Let's get him!
- Wait, wait.

 

It's just what he wants us to do:

 

Go back through his fun house
so we get all tore up.

 

He's gonna call the cops!

 

From a tree house?!

 

Come on.

 

Out the window?

 

I'm not going out the window.

 

Why, you scared? Are you afraid?
Come on, get out here.

 

Come on.

 

Come on!

 

- Come on. Keep going.
- Let's go back, Harry.

 

Shut it, Marv.

 

Hey, guys!

 

Check this out.

 

Go back. Go back.

 

There he is!

 

Hey, I'm calling the cops!

 

Wait, wait!
He wants us to follow him.

 

I got a better idea. Come on.

 

Hiya, pal.

 

We outsmarted you this time.
Get over here!

 

What are you gonna do, Harry?

 

I'll do exactly what he did to us.

 

Burn his head with a blowtorch.

 

I'll smash his face with an iron.

 

I'd like to slap him
in the face with a paint can!

 

Shove a nail through his foot!

 

I'm gonna bite off every one of
these little fingers, one at a time.

 

Come on. Let's get you home.

 

Wow! This is great.

 

Nice move,
leaving the water running.

 

Now we know each and every house
that you've hit.

 

We've been looking for you guys
for a long time.

 

Yeah. Well, remember,
we' re the "Wet Bandits. "

 

- Wet Bandits, that's W-E-T--
- Shut up! Get in the car!

 

Hey, come on. Come on.

 

- Hand off the head, pal!
- Come on.

 

I'm a bad parent. I'm a bad parent.

 

No, you're not.

 

You' re beating yourself up there.
This happens.

 

These things happen, you know.

 

You want to talk about bad parents?
Look at us.

 

We' re on the road 48, 49 weeks a year.
We hardly see our families.

 

Joe, over there. Gosh, you know...

 

... he forgets his kids' names
half the time.

 

Ziggy over there,
he's never even met his kid.

 

Eddy.... Let's just hope
none of them write a book about him.

 

Tell me, have you gone on vacation
and left your child home?

 

No.

 

But I did leave one
at a funeral parlor once.

 

Yeah, it was terrible too.
I was all distraught and everything.

 

The wife and l, we left the little
tyke there in the funeral parlor.

 

All day. You know, we went
back at night, when we...

 

...came to our senses,
there he was.

 

Apparently, he was there
all day with a corpse.

 

Now, he was okay.
You know, after six, seven weeks.

 

He came around
and started talking again.

 

They get over it.
Kids are resilient like that.

 

We shouldn't talk about this.

 

I was just trying to cheer you up.

 

I'm sorry I did.

 

Mom?

 

Mom?

 

Kevin!

 

Merry Christmas, sweetheart.

 

Oh, Kevin, I'm so sorry.

 

Where's everybody else?

 

Oh, baby, they couldn't come.

 

They wanted to so much--

 

I didn't fall asleep in the back
and drool all over you, did I?

 

- You do drool!
- Shut up!

 

Kevin, my boy. How are you?

 

You're all right.

 

I love you. You okay?

 

It's cool that you didn't
burn the place down.

 

Thanks, Buzz.

 

Wait a minute.
How'd you guys get home?

 

On the morning flight you didn't
want to wait for.

 

- Oh, no. Oh! Thank you.
- Merry Christmas.

 

Merry Christmas.

 

Someone has to find an open store.

 

I went shopping yesterday.

 

You, shopping?

 

I got some milk, eggs
and fabric softener.

 

- What?
- No kidding?

 

What a funny guy.

 

What else did you do
while we were away?

 

Just hung around.

 

Bring your stuff upstairs.

 

He went shopping? He doesn't know how
to tie his shoe. He's going shopping?

 

Honey, what's this?

 

Kevin! What did you do
to my room?